You & Your Baby

When to start TTC

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Bridezilla

Thought I'd get dome input from the ladies on this forum.
We are trying to figure out when to start our TTC journey.
I'm currently 28 and he is 32.
We are getting married at the start of October and going on a minimoon in the UK straight after. Then thinking of having a proper honeymoon in Japan in April. That's when we originally decided was the best time to start. Which if we fell pregnant immediately would mean due date would be in December. Which would be perfect.
I am locked into my job until November 2019, because they paid for my studies. If I left any earlier I would need to pay them back 3000£. But we are hoping to move away from London and buy a house in Yorkshire straight after. The idea is to downsize so that we can live off his wage for a while.
But I am now reconsidering our timeline. I realise it can take a while to get pregnant. Si maybe we dhould start earlier? Ideally I would like to time things so that I am on maternity leave when we move to Yorkshire. I don't want to start a new job and then leave on maternity leave straight after. And I also don't want to wait any longer because at 28, I can hear the clock ticking. I always imagine I would have my first around this age.
Any advice? When would you start?

Bridezilla

Sorry, I realise this may not be super helpful but I’m a tad alarmed when you say “at 28 I can hear the clock ticking.” I’m 27 and we have no plans for children until I am in my early 30s at least (Partly because it may take me that long to become established in my career - I’m a career changer!) I get where the worry comes from as none of us really know how fertile we are until we start trying (I’ve been on the pill religiously for ten years!!) but please don’t panic and think you’re running out of time! If that’s the case then lots of us are screwed!

Bridezilla

We started trying at 29. Never in a million years did I think it would take 2.5 years to get pregnant.

I would say stick to the time line you agreed and have you big honeymoon (travel now while you can) then give it a go. The thing with TTC is you never know how long it will take. It could take 1 month, it could take years or any thing in between.

I know how hard it is to not be able to plan this, but the baby will come when its time.

Oh, and any time you are on maternity leave counts towards you length of service. So even if you mat leave ended in Nov 2019 you will still have worked for the required time. If your work made an issue on this they would be on dangerous ground in relation to sex discrimination.

Bridezilla

FutureMrsTracey wrote (see post):

Sorry, I realise this may not be super helpful but I’m a tad alarmed when you say “at 28 I can hear the clock ticking.” I’m 27 and we have no plans for children until I am in my early 30s at least (Partly because it may take me that long to become established in my career - I’m a career changer!) I get where the worry comes from as none of us really know how fertile we are until we start trying (I’ve been on the pill religiously for ten years!!) but please don’t panic and think you’re running out of time! If that’s the case then lots of us are screwed!

Sorry I should have been clearer.

By no means do I think that you cannot conceive later. However I do know it can get more difficult the older you get.

And I know the conception history of the women in my family. My mum had at least one miscarriage. And my aunt who started trying in her 30s had a very rough time. She had several miscarriages and it took her over two years. So knowing my family history, I want to give myself the best chance. 

I have also had horrific period pains when I was a teenager. And I frequently have ovarian cysts that burst. I have also been on hormonal contraception since I was 13. So my guess is that not everything is 100% down there. Again that factors in to me wanting to try sooner rather than later.

In the end it's always up to us. And one woman's decision doesn't mean another one's is wrong. But we happen to be financially and emotionally in a position now, where we are ready. It's just a matter of timing in terms of my job and moving to another part of the country.

Bridezilla

MrsTwizbe wrote (see post):

We started trying at 29. Never in a million years did I think it would take 2.5 years to get pregnant.

I would say stick to the time line you agreed and have you big honeymoon (travel now while you can) then give it a go. The thing with TTC is you never know how long it will take. It could take 1 month, it could take years or any thing in between.

I know how hard it is to not be able to plan this, but the baby will come when its time.

Oh, and any time you are on maternity leave counts towards you length of service. So even if you mat leave ended in Nov 2019 you will still have worked for the required time. If your work made an issue on this they would be on dangerous ground in relation to sex discrimination.

You make a very good point about conception just not being a thing that you can plan an exact timeline for. 

Which as you might see from my post is something I'm finding difficult. Both me and my partner are planners. We like to know where we are heading.

We live to travel though, so as you said will enjoy that while we can.

Thank you for the information about being able to star5 maternity leave before November. I guess I just don't want my work to hate me for going on maternity leave and then moving away. I don't want to burn my bridges.

Bridezilla

On the family thing - my mum and MIL had no issues getting pregnant. My mum's side breed like rabbits. My grandma got pregnant after she had been sterilised! There was nothing to suggest that it would take us so long. We were diagnosed with unexplained infertility. It only took us 6 months this time round.

My aunt did have a few miscarriages, but I think was down to her being RH- (I am RH+) so not relevant to our situation.

Honestly don't worry about your job. Life happens and people move. A year is a long time and you won't be the first of the last woman to not return after maternity leave (whatever you do though DO NOT tell them that is the plan just in case the plan changes lol) I am not planning to go back after this baby and I won't tell work until the last moment.

Remember they will have to hire / find someone to cover your role for the year you are out. In most cases if a woman doesn't return they just make that person perm. Win win.

Bridezilla

Just to add I am a huge planner too. I can only say it will happen when it will happen after having experienced the not being able to plan side.

With our second I really struggled with not knowing when it would happen as I wanted to leave my job and wanted to plan what we would do with out house too.

Bridezilla

Ah ok, sorry, I thought you were saying purely because you're 28 the clock is ticking. Understandably with all the other factors you're thinking about it. It's one of my biggest fears that we will leave it "too late" so any talk of running out of time in your late twenties sometimes gives me a knee jerk reaction. Good luck with it all and I'm sending lots of happy vibes that it will all fall into place perfectly! 

Bridezilla

Make sure you know the terms of your maternity pay, for mine I would have to pay back everything over statutory if I don't return to work for at least 3 months. 

I think you can plan for the ideal but be prepared for it to take longer. Work out when your ideal delivery time would be and start trying 9 months before that, if it takes longer then it takes longer, but unless you want to try just in case and 'risk falling too early' then you can only try from ideal time onwards.

Bridezilla

We waited untila fter our wedding, it took us 16 months to conceive and I was 34 by the time our baby was born. 

You can plan ahead as much as you like but some things just don't happen that way. I would enjoy your time travelling then try afterwards. As for work that's no big deal, I changed roles twice whilst ttc (with the same employer). You would just have to be careful if you were thinking of leaving to start a new job that you had worked there long enough to get anything over SMP- for example where I work have a decent maternity package but my colleague didn't qualify as she'd not worked there long enough when she fell pregnant so only got SMP.

Bridezilla

If you're worried about your fertility might it be a good idea to make a doctors appointment and see if you can get everything 'down there' checked? Unfortunately, as others have said, planning just isn't all that easy when it comes to TTC but a doctors appt might answer a few of your questions.

Good luck and hope it all works out xx

New bride

It‘s slightly worrying that you think your biological clock is ticking at 28!

My fiancée and I have been trying for over two years and are about to start IVF. I’m 39 so time really isn’t on my side and my biological clock is most certainly ticking. 

Honestly? Thank your lucky stars that you even have the option to ‘plan’ any kind of timeline of when you get pregnant. It really isn’t that easy for some of us out there!

If you lose a bit of money as a result of your job because you get pregnant earlier than you ‘plan’, it really isn’t a big deal in the great scheme of things. I would give my life savings and everything I own just to have a child, under any timeline or circumstance. 

You cannot control nature! It may take a month, it may take 2 years. 

Good luck 

Bridezilla

Sam171 wrote (see post):

It‘s slightly worrying that you think your biological clock is ticking at 28!

My fiancée and I have been trying for over two years and are about to start IVF. I’m 39 so time really isn’t on my side and my biological clock is most certainly ticking. 

Honestly? Thank your lucky stars that you even have the option to ‘plan’ any kind of timeline of when you get pregnant. It really isn’t that easy for some of us out there!

If you lose a bit of money as a result of your job because you get pregnant earlier than you ‘plan’, it really isn’t a big deal in the great scheme of things. I would give my life savings and everything I own just to have a child, under any timeline or circumstance. 

You cannot control nature! It may take a month, it may take 2 years. 

Good luck 

By no means did I mean to upset anyone by saying that my click was ticking at 28. And if I did I'm sorry.

I don't know if you saw my response to FutureMrsTracey? But there are a couple of family and health factors, that contribute to the fact that my click is ticking.

I am of course aware that nature will take it's course. And that there is no way of knowing how long it will take. In fact that is exactly why I started this thread.

I need to start off by hoping that things will run smoothly for us. There is no point in taking a negative view before we have even started trying.

And you are right, in the grand scheme of things, 3000£ isn't a lot compared to being able to have a child. But that money does have an impact on whether we can afford a mortgage or not. So ideally we don't want to lose it. And I don't think anyone would if they had a choice.

I am really sorry that your TTC journey hasn't been easy. At this point, I cannot even imagine how painful that must be. I wish you all the best and hope it happens soon for you.

Bridezilla

MrsRendall2B wrote (see post):

If you're worried about your fertility might it be a good idea to make a doctors appointment and see if you can get everything 'down there' checked? Unfortunately, as others have said, planning just isn't all that easy when it comes to TTC but a doctors appt might answer a few of your questions.

Good luck and hope it all works out xx

That's a really good tip. But my understanding was that you had to have TTC for a year before they will investigate your fertility? Is this wrong. Can I raise my concerns with my GP before we have even started?

I came of the implant recently and have started tracking my cycle. I also used a couple of ovulation test to see if I am violating. And I got my first positive this month. So I have at least violated this cycle. I'm now trying to figure out if I do regularly. Just for reassurance.

My fertility is something I have worried about for a long time. But until now there was never any reason to actually do something about it.

Bridezilla

bella2015 wrote (see post):

We waited untila fter our wedding, it took us 16 months to conceive and I was 34 by the time our baby was born. 

You can plan ahead as much as you like but some things just don't happen that way. I would enjoy your time travelling then try afterwards. As for work that's no big deal, I changed roles twice whilst ttc (with the same employer). You would just have to be careful if you were thinking of leaving to start a new job that you had worked there long enough to get anything over SMP- for example where I work have a decent maternity package but my colleague didn't qualify as she'd not worked there long enough when she fell pregnant so only got SMP.

 So would you advise not to try during the honeymoon? I kind of live the idea of a honeymoon baby ha!

I think the whole statutory pay vs a better package is part of my concern. I have worked at must current job for 6 years. So I feel comfortable leaving on maternity leave. And chances are they offer a good package. However once we move, I will certainly get a reduction in wage. London wages tend to be higher in my field. Also if it did take us longer but no more than two years, I wouldn't have been working very long in my new job.

Bridezilla

Samantha265 wrote (see post):

Make sure you know the terms of your maternity pay, for mine I would have to pay back everything over statutory if I don't return to work for at least 3 months. 

I think you can plan for the ideal but be prepared for it to take longer. Work out when your ideal delivery time would be and start trying 9 months before that, if it takes longer then it takes longer, but unless you want to try just in case and 'risk falling too early' then you can only try from ideal time onwards.

That's a really good point you mentioned about the contract. We don't get to see the maternity leave contract until we are pregnant. And I don't really want to ask at this point, because it will certainly raise questions. I work as an Architect and in our field there is still a lot of sexism. If they get an incline that you are thinking of having a baby, it's not great for your career. They put you on the boring jobs etc. But I might ask a collegeue who recently left on maternity leave.

I guess the thing I need to figure out is how much of a risk is it falling to early. Vs the heartbreak of it taking longer and the risk of having to start a new job and then leave on maternity leave.

Bridezilla

MrsTwizbe wrote (see post):

On the family thing - my mum and MIL had no issues getting pregnant. My mum's side breed like rabbits. My grandma got pregnant after she had been sterilised! There was nothing to suggest that it would take us so long. We were diagnosed with unexplained infertility. It only took us 6 months this time round.

My aunt did have a few miscarriages, but I think was down to her being RH- (I am RH+) so not relevant to our situation.

Honestly don't worry about your job. Life happens and people move. A year is a long time and you won't be the first of the last woman to not return after maternity leave (whatever you do though DO NOT tell them that is the plan just in case the plan changes lol) I am not planning to go back after this baby and I won't tell work until the last moment.

Remember they will have to hire / find someone to cover your role for the year you are out. In most cases if a woman doesn't return they just make that person perm. Win win.

That must have been so hard for you. Especially since you didn't know why it wasn't happening. So it must have felt like there was nothing you could do.

You have made me feel a whole lot better about the prospect of going on maternity leave and not intending to come back. I'll need to remember what you said when I feel guilty about it. Although I'm not sure they would get someone to replace me. They didn't for my colleagues. Our role isn't unique in the company.

Bridezilla

A doctor won’t do any fertility investigation unless you‘ve been trying for a year. 

they will investigate period issues without you TTC but even then you’d need to have been off hormonal contraception for a while before they will look into it. 

over  next few months get to know your body and your cycle. The Period Repair Manual is a great book for this - changed my life and I’ll never go back on hormones. 

That is terrible you can’t see the maternity policy until you’re pregnant. What are they trying to hide? I would fight that alone. All HR policies should be open for all employees to view (I work in HR) things like that leave them open to all sorts of challenges. 

I also hate payback clauses - so pointless. They don’t stop women resigning after mat leave, they just delay it by 3 months making everyone miserable.

Bridezilla

MrsTwizbe wrote (see post):

A doctor won’t do any fertility investigation unless you‘ve been trying for a year. 

they will investigate period issues without you TTC but even then you’d need to have been off hormonal contraception for a while before they will look into it. 

over  next few months get to know your body and your cycle. The Period Repair Manual is a great book for this - changed my life and I’ll never go back on hormones. 

That is terrible you can’t see the maternity policy until you’re pregnant. What are they trying to hide? I would fight that alone. All HR policies should be open for all employees to view (I work in HR) things like that leave them open to all sorts of challenges. 

I also hate payback clauses - so pointless. They don’t stop women resigning after mat leave, they just delay it by 3 months making everyone miserable.

That's what I thought I read in the other threads. I have regular periods, so there isn't much to investigate there. My main concern is really my frequently rupturing cysts. I had 3 last year. But my doctors never investigate this. They don't even give me a scan most of the time. Because I have a history of it, they just send me home with painmeds. Although one doctor once dropped the word PCOS and told me I needed to do abdomen crunches?

I have actually started reading the book on your advice. And I agree, I'm not going to ever go back to hormonal contraception. Turns out my aunt was right when she was horrified to find out If been put on the pill at 13. It was supposed to help my painful irregular periods and cysts. Turns out it probably just masked an underlying issue.

I believe I can probably ask my HR manager yo see the maternity policy. By it's definitely not available to everyone. And I'm not so sure how private the information that I asked to see it would be. Especially since we have an open plan office and the he manager sits next to our boss. We had two redundancy processes this year and they certainly didn't get dealt with by the book. In fact the lawyers of our office informed our boss that they had made themselves liable. But nobody ended up doing anything about it.

Bridezilla

Your company's parental leave policy makes up part of your T&Cs of employment and should be available to all.

My planning thread: http://www.youandyourwedding.co.uk/forum/your-planning-threads/town-centre-barn-wedding---august-2019/452338.html